By Susn Dybvik
LOVE… as much as I try to understand it, the less I seem to understand. Maybe the concept is so big that we are not meant to figure it out, but just trust the process. Trust that it will lead us where we are suppose to be, instead of killing it with labels and expectations. Maybe we lack the courage that love requires. The courage to just feel, not to be scared, or feel guilty. Our emotions are apart of us, so we should embrace them as we embrace every part of us. To give our love freely. And dare to be loved back.
We are so afraid of getting hurt and to be the one giving more than the other. That we push people away, when we really wish they would just come a little closer. Most times its our insecurities that holds us back and fills us with doubts. Closing us up from truly feeling and experiencing real intimacy and connections. Closing us up to the joy and happiness life has to offer.
I always thought I gave my heart too easily. Blindly investing myself in something I wanted to last. But I am starting to see that I rarely gave my heart at all. I think we all are searching for that someone, either you want to admit it or not. Finding that someone that will stitch you back together, kiss you when you just woke up and you look a mess. Hold you when you cry, respect your boundaries and value your time. Trust you and be the one you can lean on. The one that will help you back on your feet when life knocks you down, and laugh till your stomach hurt. But with every bad experience, it seems the walls are getting higher, and the maze more twisted. And our light, a little more locked away. But through all the pain and darkness, there is a maturity that grows inside you. Guiding you to where you are supposed to be, and opening you up to dare to love again.
As hard as it might be to understand, it all starts with self-love. Dare to love yourself, dare to feel yourself and be happy with yourself. How do you expect to be able to love someone or receive his or her love fully, if YOU don’t love yourself? Why should someone see how awesome you are, when you can’t even see it yourself?
At one point I thought I wasn’t able to be happy. I didn’t know how. That everything I touched turned to ashes. But I see now that it wasn’t me who turned everything to shit, but my insecurities. I really didn’t know how to love myself, or how to respect myself. And however much I tried to please the people around me, my outside relationships started matching my relationship with myself. It took a few experiences and the will to change, but as I started getting to know myself. Finding out what I wanted. Started trusting myself and most importantly, respecting myself. The more I let my light shine, the more I was able to let go of the doubts and fears. I am starting to realize that the more I dare to love and feel without expectations, the more I will receive. And the more I love myself, the more the people will feel safe to love me too.