I´ve been thinking a lot lately about how I got all these plans and dreams, and how I seem to procrastinate manifesting them into reality. Trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, when I know I am more than capable. Beating myself down for not being further along, when in reality I have come so far. I might not have my own house, a car or a full time job right now, but I did all that, and I never felt more imprisoned and lost as I did at that time. I was working a job I felt no passion for, I had my own apartment, which I kind of loved, and a car that I adored. The car made me feel free because I could take off and drive away when I needed a break. But I needed a full-time job to pay for it all, so in the end, I was still caged in. And I stayed in that job longer than I should have, out of fear of not being able to pay my bills. I stayed because I felt I had to. When my contract ended and they didn’t have a position for me anymore, my first reaction was fear. “Holy shit, what do I do now?”. The next emotion, was relief.
I know whats expected of me. Of us. Go to school, get a degree, get a job, find a mate, get married, get a house, get kids. And all that comes with it. But that is simply not me, at least not right now. We all need a job to pay for what we want, but I don’t want to be boxed in and work 40hrs a week in a job I don’t enjoy. In a job that breaks away pieces of my soul every time I sign in. I want a job that gives me energy, that gives me life. A feeling of accomplishments and a feeling of making a difference. I want to meet people, and share war stories, and have fun. I do realise that this isn’t always the case, and it will take hard work to get there. However, I will keep searching for it. Working my way up, finding out exactly where I fit in. Maybe I´ll some day, make my own box to fit into.
The point is, I have come to terms with being where I am right now. Searching, creating, strive to be better. Although I have no idea where I will be or what I will be doing a year from now, I have never felt more free. Although I live with my aunt and her family, I don’t have a car, and some weeks I am just getting by, I feel more satisfied than ever.
Don’t worry, I am starting a new job in the end of October, but sometimes you just have to sit still and reflect on yourself. Feel the resistance, be aware of the distractions, and acknowledge the experiences you’ve been through. Figure out what you truly, and deeply want out of life. Regardless of how unconventional and “crazy” it might seem.
You’ve gotten this far honey, keep walking.