In the mist of chaos I found myself

The last few months have been the most life changing months of my life, this far. Not any huge physical changes or in ways people can see, but with myself. Internally. I went through a lot of emotional bullshit, feeling undervalued and thinking I was the one in the wrong. Thinking that I didn’t deserve better, yet knowing I did. I just didn’t know how to ask for it. Its one of the reasons why I haven’t been writing a lot either, because I didn’t know what I was feeling. One minute I was up and the next I was down. Constantly on an emotional roller coaster. Never able to catch my breath. Kind of realising Ive been on it for years, but it was the last months where my inner self had enough.

 
Im grateful for what Ive been through, because it has helped me figure out who I am and what I want. It has pulled down some pedestals, and put things in perspective.  At the time, it was my choice to continue the roller coaster.  And as I have mentioned a million times before, everything happens for a reason.

 
I used to feel like a doe-eyed fragile girl, that needed to be taken care of. Always willing to please, always apologising for her existence. And that was what I attracted. What you think you deserve is what you will end up getting.

 
Back in April I was dumped by the man I thought was my soul mate, the man I thought, to quote Beyonce, was gonna “Put a ring on it”! And all the way leading up to the day he dumped me, it seemed like that was still our mutual goal. When he sat me down and told me, I knew before he even open his mouth. When he said it, the first feeling I got was relief. Before anger, and sadness and tears and all that crap. I felt relief. Like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I mourned the relationship as any other human would, but there was a shift in me. I didn’t feel like there was something wrong with me, I didn’t feel like it was my fault. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough.

 
I know I deserve better. We had good times and Ill always value the memories, but I realised that I have found happiness within myself, so I no longer need him or anyone else to “complete” me. Cause I am complete.

In the mist of chaos I found myself. I found my strength and my inner peace.

On another note, I have decided to share some of my travels and experiences with you. Stay tuned.

Susn xx

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